Sharing hopes, dreams, thoughts and concerns about trying to conceive our 1st child. After more than six years of trying to conceive and two rounds of ICSI, we had a beautiful baby boy in September 2013. The journey has not been easy, but has been an truly life affirming experience and I have met some amazing people along the way, both virtually and at the NHS Edinburgh fertility clinic we've been attending.
After the life affirming but ultimately unsuccessful first round of IVF/ICSI, the second round was a very different experience and it led to the creation of the most beautiful miracle I have ever seen.
So what was different? What made this round successful and the first one fail? It's impossible to tell and even if I could, what worked for me won't work for everyone. However I will still share just in case it helps any other fellow TTCers. Quite a few factors changed both in terms of treatment and lifestyle from one cycle to the next:
Less stress - I began the treatment in the final week of what had been a very stressful job. I left to set up my own business. This is the first time in my life I truly understood what people meant by taking a weight off my shoulders. By the time the treatment had started, I had already secured some significant contracts and kept a few weeks after the treatment clear to take things at my own pace.
Positive affirmations - I tried to imagine what was happening in my body at each stage and Tweeted positive affirmations (see Tweets below).
Less expectation - While I still hoped, I prepared myself for the worst. I had to consider that this might not work. My hubby had firmly said this was to be our last attempt, as he didn't want it to take over our life (though I may have tried to persuade him for more rounds though had it not worked - I knew I was meant to be a mum). Given my body's poor response to the treatment after round one, I had to be prepared for the same.
More experienced - after the first round, I felt much more confident about:
Buserelin - these injections were a breeze the second time round. I relaxed so much, that it almost felt like an additional bit of acupuncture. I fretted much less about small bubbles and getting the liquid to the exact line.
Menopur - these were the most stressful injections during round one, but again I knew how to remove that tricksy vacuum thanks to my tweeps (see also earlier post). I also referred back to my blog post on the injections and the YouTube videos to get me started.
Egg collection and transfer - I now knew what to expect and how great the staff were at the EFREC clinic.
More relaxed - All of the above factors, contributed to me being much more relaxed about the whole treatment. While I did cut back on alcohol, I had the odd glass of wine on special social occasions.
Cared for myself more - I went for gentle spa treatments, participated in an Iyengar Yoga class and took Night Nurse when I had a cold.
More Menopur - The clinic increased my dose of Menopur very slightly. I had four powders to one water (compared to three powders the first time around).
Fragmin - These are blood thinning meds which I was prescribed after it appeared I had slight over stimulation following egg collection. When I was given them I was told that some of the top London fertility clinics were using them to help increase chances of success; and while that was not the reason they were giving them to me, they thought I should know this.
No egg gel seen on transfer - when the Dr transferred the egg, the scan didn't show where it had gone. I thought this must mean failure, so again this contributed to me relaxing and preparing for the worse.
My body responded hugely differently from the first time. I got 9 follies, 7 embryos, 1 BFP and 3 frosties (first round was 4 follies, 1 embryo, BFN and no frosties).
My history of tweets below tells the story in real time (starting with the most recent post going back to the start of the treatment). You will see:
even before the treatment started I had more follicles...makes me wonder if stress was a major factor.
I still felt strong cramping and had some spotting (so don't give up hope if you experience this).
the great Tweeps who cheered me along the way and kept me as positive as possible - thank you.
The end outcome made me the happiest lady on the planet and I still am to this day. I hope our story gives others hope; and wish all the fantastic couples who are still trying the best of luck. I hope this year is your year.
So it has been a year since my last post. Sorry it's taken so long. It has been a wonderfully life-affirming journey and that length of time has given me a lot of time to reflect. I now have the most beautiful baby boy and I am treasuring every moment in honour of the person I was when I started this blog and all those ladies who are at the same point in their journey to being a mum (just remember every day you are one step closer to being a mum - definitely the mantra that kept me going).
To complete the journey I will start where I left off. After round one of ICSI we had four follies, so we went for egg collection - a nerve-wracking yet exciting journey. While we were disappointed not to get more follies, we had been prepared for that and we just kept our fingers crossed that within these follies were some strong eggs.
To add a little drama to the experience, and as if to test our endurance, we were told to keep the HCG trigger shot in the fridge or risk it failing...The day before we received the shot on a warm August our fridge broke down. We couldn't take the risk of storing it in the fridge even when we got up and running, so we dashed out and bought one of those cheap novelty fridges to keep the shot at the right temperature. It worked.
I started to follow every instruction for the injection to the T. I then had a mild panic when I saw an air bubble and couldn't get it out (and we had to do the injection within a specific time frame or the whole process would fail), but after calling the number we were given, I was reassured it was OK just to go ahead. Perspiring a little, the injection was done - a wave of excitement and nervous anticipation flowed through my body. Round one really did seem like a action adventure with lots of nerves and an immense hope that this would be the one. However, I did my best to get a good night's sleep.
So we arrived at the EFREC clinic at the time given. We were welcomed by the lovely chap at reception who always makes sure he speaks to you by your name - so welcoming. Sitting in the waiting room with other couples who too looked filled with nerves and excitement. One by one we were called into the ward. The lovely nurses on the ward excelled at making us feel calm and were so sympathetic about our journey. I was to be first in for the egg collection. I'm even getting the butterflies just remembering the experience of knowing that any second I would be wheeled into the operating theatre - would I have eggs, when would I know?! Four follies wasn't a lot in the scheme of things - but nothing more I could do now.
My hubby stayed with me until they took me in. The operating theatre was pristine. Just to double check they had the right person they all asked me to repeat my name and my date of birth numerous times, so they could check with their records and labels. I was so nervous I would get it wrong on one of the occasions - I did find myself giggling a little. Happy that I was the right patient, after various checks, I was then given the anaesthesia and quickly went to sleep.
The next thing I knew, I could hear a rhythmical bleeping. A lady with a calm reassuring voice (I later realised it was the nurse assigned to me) was speaking - I can't recall what she was saying, but I remember thinking "I've only just gone in, they obviously didn't get any eggs. Something's wrong." Of course I was wrong - they had collected three eggs and they were off to have my hubby's sperm injected into them.
As I came to, the nurse continued to make me feel very cared for. Eventually I was allowed a little to eat. I just remember thinking I had never enjoyed a Digestive biscuit so much in my life!! Once they were happy I'd recovered enough from the anaesthetic they allowed my hubby to come and collect me. I was groggy and cramping a little (though that wasn't too bad for me as I'd had so few follies). I went straight to my own bed and then began the wait.
The next day I called to find out how my little embies (embryos) were getting on. Only one had taken. Although a little disappointed, I was cheered on by my lovely tweeps - "All it takes is one". Although my first round wasn't a success, anyone reading this should take hope from the many success stories there are from those who only had one embie.
As there was only one, they quickly got me back in to transfer the embie back in. I arrived in the same waiting room (this time accompanied by my mum). I had the same sense of nervous anticipation, but the same high standards of care from the staff at the clinic. After changing into my nightie, I was taken to another pristine room. And although, as with birth, dignity had to go out the window to complete the process, the team were wonderful at making me feel as comfortable as possible. I was shown my embie on a wee TV screen - absolutely amazing and something as IVFers we are blessed to have the chance to see. I was told it was the best quality embryo for the stage it was at, so a little burst of hope flashed through me. I could see on the screen as they inserted the embie in and they gave me a scan to take away - the egg was too small to see on this, but you could see the gel in which the egg was sitting.
What then happened at work deserves a blog unto itself, but the long and short of it was I went straight back to work as the demands upon me as a manager delivering some change management were immense. It was a very stressful time at work, compounded by some long term staff absences - I was doing three jobs all at once and trying to meet all demands. I had a holiday booked in so that if IVF failed I would be able to commiserate in private and if it was successful, we could have a personal celebration without the need to make our news public. However, my own director also took a holiday just prior to mine, leaving no time for a proper handover. That is an abbreviated version - but needless to say a stressful time never mind the IVF. I even considered cancelling my holiday, but I had some lovely supportive colleagues amidst the pressure (to whom I am immensely grateful) and they encouraged me to take the holiday.
My break began and almost immediately came the devastating realisation that IVF round one hadn't worked. My aunt flo arrived early. I remember it well as I was on a night out at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, abstaining from booze. My tweeps again were wonderful, reassuring me that bleeding wasn't necessarily a sign of failure (and anyone reading this, please do take this as a sign of hope - as there absolutely are success stories who experienced implantation bleeding). However, it wasn't the case for me and the test at the clinic confirmed this. Again I cannot praise the staff at EFREC enough for how sympathetic they were and the support they provided following failure. I will be forever grateful for this. And the positive thing about the bleed starting sooner, was that I was prepared for it and had cried most of my tears before they delivered the official results.
After this, hubby and I went away for a week with my niece and her parents. A lovely week, but every part of me ached. My shoulders ached from work pressures, my heart and my eyes ached for my lost embie. My life compass didn't know what direction to send me in, but I didn't even think about making a call on that there and then.
I returned to work and discovering the same pressures (plus a couple more) were still there and a couple of incidents led me to realise that they would never leave me while I was in that job. Again I will not go into the details here, but needless to say as someone who was renowned for being cheery, happy, calm and driving to excel in my work, I was at my lowest ebb never mind the IVF. I began to doubt my work self...then the theme tune to my life became Emeli Sande My Kind of Love:
"Cause when you've given up
When no matter what you do it's never good enough
When you never thought that this could ever get this tough
That's where you'll find my kind of love."
Friends, family, mentors, as well as current and previous colleagues rallied. I have never felt so loved. I didn't even have to say much, but they knew I wasn't myself - some had witnessed the way a colleague had spoken to me and were horrified, others just simply knew me so well. They all told me to get out of the current work situation and set up my own business. They said that I am known for doing a good job and would find clients easily. They kept telling me this and eventually I was reminded it was the truth. I booked in some acupuncture and, as I lay with the needles in me, I had a wave of excitement "I can do this!" I checked my financial situation and was lucky enough to have some supportive parents who said that they would give me a loan if it was needed to get going - it wasn't, but it did give me reassurance. The final push was the realisation that I had to consider what was most important to me in life - either the job I was in or to give myself the best chance of success for round two and just leave. It was a hard decision, as I loved what the company stood for, but this was our last chance, as hubby wasn't keen to see me put myself through failure too many times again. For the first time I also realised that I wouldn't be any use to anyone unless I put myself first on this one occasion. It is the best thing I have ever done - as soon as I handed in my notice, for the first time in my entire life, I realised that the expression "lifting a weight of your shoulders" was literal. I felt so much lighter, I almost felt I was floating. My director told me they were sorry I was going, as I had done a great job, but they said they understood and wished me luck. So I left on a positive note.
I began round 2 of IVF just before leaving, but I will continue that story in another post.
My business has been a great success so far (touch wood it lasts) and has finally given me a work/life balance. I now truly believe things happen for a reason. I am not religious, but I do now feel very blessed. As well as my miracle, I have so many wonderful friends (including Tweeps) and family members to be grateful for. I just hope I can be there for them all as they have been for me (sadly I've had to do that for some of my former colleagues recently - reaffirming it was the right move, despite giving up a generous maternity leave).
I would not have had this experience had I not required the IVF/ICSI journey - so I have more than just a beautiful boy to be thankful to this miracle treatment for. Thank you to all who have helped me along.
Apologies, I haven't blogged for so long. I typed the post below ages ago then went into my own little bubble, which led to ultimately a very positive life affirming experience...
I will start to update the blog stage by stage as I remember it, so that it provides support and hope to others...Fast forward and you will find ICSI round two was a success. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant....However let's rewind to the continuation of ICSI round one and the follicle stimulation process...
So the next stage was to grow some strong follicles. Given my low AMH, we couldn't hold out for too many, but we just had to hope that those that did grow were strong enough!
After scan to see if Buserelin had worked, the nurse took me into another room to do the first stimulation injection.
I was given the Menopur pack, which had little viles of a powdery substance and lots of little ampules of water. For each injection I had to mix three powders with one water.
The nurse demonstrated how to do the injection:
first she flicked the ampule to make sure all the water was in the base and then snapped off the top off (placing finger at blue dot).
She said sometimes it is difficult to take the top of the ampule without breaking it into little pieces of glass - but she said if this happens, there are plenty of ampules, so just use another.
She used the needle to pull up the water. She then put the needle in the first powder and told me to make sure that you see all the powder is dissolved.
She then pulled up the new liquid and explained that there can be a bit of a vacuum in the little jars which can make it tough to pull the liquid.
She did the same again with jar two, saying "try and get all the liquid up" (which later I found you don't need to worry too much about).
She left me to do the third, and though a bit of a challenge. Somehow I managed it.
Then the process of injection, was very much the same as the Buserelin...make sure no large air bubbles and squeeze liquid up so a tiny little drop appears on top of needle, then place in belly and inject...Easy?!
Warning, do not follow the next para as an example of how it should be done (that comes later): Well the next day I got up 30 minutes earlier than normal to give myself the injection. I thought that would be plenty of time...but I then found the process very stressful and started to panic as I knew a friend was coming to pick me up to take me to work. Firstly, I struggled to break off the top of the ampule. I manage to get some very small cuts (smaller than paper cuts) between my finger and thumb. I then tried to use paper towel in between and was of course shaking. Then I put needle in the first powder (still shaking)...and "wow, I didn't remember the vacuum being this tough yesterday". Struggled through powders one and two. Gulp. Took several deep breaths and tried to put needle in third jar. Vacuum kicked in before needle was fully in and the liquid went everywhere but in the jar! Arrrgghhh! Had to do it all over again - nerves shattered and clock ticking. I did it, but felt like I'd still lost some of the liquid - but had to get to work.
And then I did the thing I should have done all along, I Tweeted and a lovely Tweep came to my rescue: @earnestsmummy - she gave me Top Tip Number 1:
A simple way to reduce strength of vacuum:
Follow process of pulling liquid from ampule into syringe
Place liquid in water
Pull empty needle out
Pull air into syringe
Put needle back in jar and insert air into jar
With finger still pressed so no air sooked back into syringe, pull out
I repeated this process two or three times and discovered that the vacuum was next to none, so was much easier to pull the liquid out.
After doing this for the first time, it was like a completely different process. However it still felt like I didn't sook all the liquid up. I thought nurse had said I should really make sure I get it all, so I called the clinic. As they have been so many times before and since, they were really lovely and helpful - they reassured me that it was difficult to get all liquid and not to worry if it was only very little - phew!
So after this it became easier and easier.
After the Stims process in round one, I had 4 visible follicles, so egg collection went ahead...
Since I last posted, I'm almost finished with round-one of ICSI/IVF. For much of this period I have felt slightly exhausted and only now beginning to feel a little more like me again. However, it has also been an amazing process - I feel very blessed to have learned more about this awe-inspiring treatment and to have met some of the wonderful team that work at the EFREC Centre in the Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.
So where to begin. I don't want to bore you, but want to share some experiences, learnings and insights that may help others going through the same. For this post I will discuss the down-regulating Buserelin treatment:
The injections really weren't that tough to do in the end. When I began I started recording my experiences:
Day One
I charted my injection experience in the last blog. Afterwards there was a little reddening of the skin around injection site, but it settled as the day went on - the nurse told me to expect this.
I watched Andy Murray play the Wimbledon final and wept like a baby at the end - though you'd need a skin of steel not to be touched by his own emotion. He did us all very proud.
Straight away I noticed I was exhausted in the evening - not sure if this was due to the hormones or simply because I hadn't slept so well the night before worrying that I wouldn't be able to do them (I had absolutely nothing to worry about too!). I turned my light off to go to sleep at 9pm.
I experienced very vivid dreams and night sweats through the night.
Day two
Fumbled a bit with the needles this morning. Felt very clumsy. Somehow struggled to keep needle on syringe. However, manage to do the injection with even less discomfort than day one (and that wasn't much at all either). There was a little scratchiness and nipping as the Buserelin obviously moved into my system, but again using @chelenic's tip of pressing down on injection site after removing the needle relieved discomfort. There's a little reddening of the skin around injection site, but just the same as yesterday.
Day three
Put needle fully in bottle, but liquid getting lower, so initially got lots of air bubbles (should have listened again to the video above). Put liquid back in - moved needle out a bit so top tip was clearly in the liquid and had another go. Second time lucky. Hands were slightly shaky this morning, but didn't cause any more discomfort. Definitely feeling lower in physical energy than before, but mentally OK. Very tired by about 4pm.
My tolerance levels for petty office niggles were low - not necessarily bad for me as sometimes told I'm too tolerant in these situations and try to hard to please others. Now for bad ass me - well at least a version of me that just ignores and walks away.
Developing slightly redder spots on chin than normal, but imagining that this is all the hormones coming out. Slightly achy.
Trying to be careful with what I eat because I know that metabolism is a bit slower on Buserelin! But, must, must go swimming again soon...
Day four onwards
I stopped recording my experiences after day four, as they were very much the same. It got easier and easier. I only had very little bruises by the time I went in to see if I was ready to begin the stimulating drugs. It didn't make me feel very tired, but other than that I didn't get too many side-effects. It worked within the timeline expected and I was ready for part 2...Follicle stimulation and Menopur...
So that's me just done my first Buserelin injection. Although the nurse had been great about showing me what to do and saying "you can't really go wrong." I still was worried about inserting that little needle into my skin for the first time... If you've not done it before, it is true what they say - you don't need to worry.
So I will talk you through the process I went through....
8am Got up. Looked out all the kit, plus cotton wool balls and an ice pack.
8am to about 8.15am. Double, triple and quadruple checked I had everything and had read the handy crib sheet provided to me by NHS Lothian.
8.15am to 8.30am. Started questioning if I could remember everything the nurse told me to do at the last appointment, then decided to have a look on YouTube to find a video of someone who could provide insight for the point of view of being the patient. Found this great video from @chelenic
Then I just got on with it:
Used icepack to numb tummy (in hindsight, don't think this was really required)
Took the Buserelin, removed the cap, swabbed top with antiseptic wipe
Also swabbed area for injection on tummy with antiseptic wipe
Opened packs with cute little syringe and, not so cute larger needle (with yellow cap).
Also half-opened slightly less scary looking small needle (with green cap)
Slotted large needle on top of syringe (without touching needle, so keeping it half in the pack)
Turned Buserelin bottle upside down.
Placed large needle in and slowly pulled down approx 1ml/1.5ml of Buserelin (top tip from nurse to take in more than full dose initially).
With the needle still in the upturned bottle - Spotted one wee air bubble, so tapped...tapped again...and again...and again...and again...mildly panicked that I couldn't get air bubble out...then stopped being a woose and tapped a little harder a few more times and it eventually moved.
Then (still with upturned bottle) put excess liquid back into Buserelin vile (only needed 0.5ml).
Removed needle from bottle, which was still upturned (it has a rubber seal, which is very tight so you don't need to worry about liquid coming out).
Removed yellow needle and replaced with small green capped needle (again being careful not to touch the needle)
Rubbed tummy again with antiseptic wipe (am I sounding a little OCD?)
Pinched skin...paused...pinched skin again...paused...questioned "am I doing it right?" said back to myself "Just get on with it!" (going ever so slightly mad).
Placed needle to skin and gently pushed...It was in before I knew it or could really feel it.
Started to slowly inject Buserelin...nipped only very slightly (less than a slight pinch of the skin), however the nipping eased if I slowed a little
Gently removed the needle and that was it!
Lastly followed @chelenic's fab tip of pressing down on the injection site afterwards to stop any last irritations.
And now my journey has moved onto the next stage...Will aim to keep more of a log here as and if things develop (I gather I could be experiencing a mini menopause over the next couple of weeks).
Due to have the Buserelin injections up to 26 July, when I will go in for them to check if I'm ready to start the process of kick starting follicle production.
Here's to being another step closer! (though obviously toasting with a soft drink, not least because it is morning, but of course to also maximise my chances of the ICSI treatment working!)
It has been a while since my last blog post. I've been very busy with work and difficult to find the time to post. However, I'm resolved to get a better work life balance as we head into the next stage of our fertility journey...
Since my last post we have been going through the final IVF checks. We've met a mix of Drs and nurses along the way. We only one bad experience, where the Dr was lacking any people skills and was incredibly patronising. She demeaned us and one of her own colleagues (also a Dr). When I told her I was taking vitamin D, she was scathing and snapped back: "what are you taking that for?" I explained that I had started taking it following the advice of one of her colleagues and she said "hmmm well, each to their own." I should add that we just took it all on the chin, as after all we're dependent on these people to help us achieve our miracle. Later, with her nose turned up she added: "You do realise that because you're getting treatment through the NHS we can't guarantee you'll have the same Drs each time." It could have been hubby and I's interpretation and she perhaps didn't mean it, but both of us thought independently. "As long as we don't get you again."
Interestingly on that visit they wrongly labelled my blood sample for AMH, so they had to do it again. I guess none of us a perfect.
As I said this has been an exception rather than a rule - All the other Drs and nurses have been lovely. Very supportive, attentive and sympathetic. Particularly the lovely team who gave me my scan and mock transfer - I will avoid too much information, but for this internal scan and transfer Aunt Flo is still visiting, so you do feel your dignity stripped away a little more than usual. However, throughout the process the Dr and nurse continually offered reassurance and support.
So what did we learn from these last checks? Well, hubby's little swimmers sadly have low motility. So the diagnosis at that point was that we would be given the ICSI treatment (where they give the sperm a better chance by injecting individual swimmers straight into eggs).
When we finally got the results of my AMH test, we learned that I have a low egg reserve. This is when we were pretty much told that The Only Way is ICSI. With our issues combined, we have very low odds of conceiving naturally. Hubby and I were able to laugh about it all: Really will need to evoke the spirit of Rocky (who my husband loves) so that we can triumph over adversity. For those of you who know the films, I instantly pictured us in the winter training scene for Rocky IV (see below)...
Again the Dr explaining the issues to us, was really reassuring and said, but it only needs one strong embryo to succeed. This truly will be our little miracle! If we have a little boy, hubby thinks we should name it Rocky or Sly...Hmmmm!
I only wish I'd had an AMH test before buying DuoFertility, but hey ho, it's worth trying everything we can to start our family. Will need to see if I can give the monitor to someone who can truly benefit from it.
So what's next? Tomorrow I begin the Buserelin injections. Very nervous about taking the injections myself, but the nurse did give me a good demonstration. I think it will be easier once I've got the first one out the way. I've also Googled and have found some lovely fellow infertiles who give top tips on YouTube. The Buserelin will stop my hormone production in around two to three weeks - Apparently the side effects can be like a mini-menopause. After that treatment, I will receive more drugs to stimulate my follicles into producing eggs again. Once I have enough follicles, I will need to go into hospital for a wee sedated operation to remove the eggs. Finally, egg transfer should happen within a month or so of the first injection.
Each woman responds to the drugs in different ways, so it is difficult to get exact times of when I will need time off work. With this in mind, and with some encouragement from my Tweeps, I decided to tell my manager. I was very nervous about telling her, but she has been so supportive from the start. I would really recommend doing this, as it takes away an unnecessary stress - especially when Buserelin could have some visible side effects.
So here's to the next stage in my journey to become a mum. Excited, nervous and ready for the fight: Cue alternative Eye of the Tiger sing-a-long (alternative lyrics below):
Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance
Now I'm back on my feet
Just a woman with a will to be a mum
So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive
[Chorus]
It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge
Of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks her prey in the night
And she's watching us all
with the
Eye of the tiger
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds
Still we take to the street
For the embie with the skill to survive
[Chorus]
Risin' up straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance
Now I'm not gonna stop
Just a woman with a will to be a mum
[Chorus]
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
[Original song by Survivor. Lyrics changed to give infertile women the will to be a mum!]
So it's Mother's Day in the UK - it is important to remember that this day has meaning not just for those who have children, but also those with angel babies and those who are struggling to achieve motherhood. As well as a celebration, this can also be a difficult reminder for some.
It would be so easy to let this be a reminder of the fact that I still don't have kids, but I'm not letting infertility beat me. Instead I'm seeing this as a day of hope and of course celebrating all those fabulous mum's I'm aware of in my life. It is a day of hope, because this day represents all those women who have been on a similar journey to me and in the end have experienced the joys of motherhood. It is the sign that every day we are one step closer to being a mum. Thinking in this way has made this a very special day for me.
I feel so happy and contented to be me. "I have a great mum and I will be a great mum" - not everyone can say the same. The infertility journey has brought me so many opportunities and taught me so many things that I would never have learned had we been luckier in trying to conceive.
We continue to look to the future and have our screening appointment for IVF in a couple of weeks. Excited and nervous about what the future holds - will we ever conceive our own child? I do hope so, but if this doesn't work I am now confident that I will look to adopt. There are so many wonderful children born into the world who don't have the family lives they deserve and who need people like us to be there for them.
These thoughts were reinforced in me when I recently went to see a life coach. She tasked me with thinking what I would do if I won the lottery. Now I'm sure many of you out there in the blogosphere have thought about this. And I began with using some of those things I've joked about in the past, but then she got me to really think genuinely what I would do...I would begin with some relaxing breaks with DH and then separately with my mum, sister and cousin. Once truly relaxed I would look at investing in having a child. Ideally I'd like three children: two that we produce ourselves and one adoptive (all equally my children). I'd move to somewhere like Loch Lomond, with beautiful scenery, but not too far from a city. I'd build my own house (which would include a living area which has a window for a wall that looks out onto a Loch or river) and of course a fantastic play room. I would open a local community centre, which had a library, live folk music, tea and cake (a bar on occasions), a room for yoga, a play room for mothers and toddlers and a separate room where support groups (eg infertility support groups) could meet. The cafe would have a large glass window, which would look out into an area of natural beauty. The window would be tinted and sound proofed, so that we could watch the stunning Scottish wildlife as we drink our tea. Those working there would be highly motivated and love their job - getting a perfect balance of work and life. I'd organise events that would bring families and communities together and generally create a hub of happiness or at least relief.
This may all sound like a Disney fairy tale, but these dreams keep me thinking positively through the ups and the downs. And while I may never fulfill all of this without that winning lottery ticket, I am happy with the direction I'm going and look forward to seeing what the journey ahead holds for me.
So huge hugs and Happy Mother's Day to all:
those that already mothers: relish the time you have with your children
those who have lost: we will never forget your little angels and the happy memories they have left you
those who are yet to be: never forget every day you're one day closer to being a mum...
Apologies at the length of time between my last post and this one. For a long time, I found it difficult to spend the time needed to write a blog. Dwelling on the issue just upset me too much. I did continue to Tweet, but even that made me ruminate on the issues and the fact that we still hadn't conceived.
To cut a long story short, since my last post, DH went for the tests. One sample suggested his little swimmers had some slight mobility issues, but the Dr said nothing to worry about, as the second sample was OK. The Drs' tips were as expected, to focus on a healthy diet and lifestyle. Particularly to cut back on the occasional binge drinking with friends... Apparently just one session can affect sperm mobility for up to two months.
I then was referred for an ultrasound (u/s) and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...basically a scan of the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries using a dye to highlight if there's anything blocking the flow of fluids. HSG is often feared by women as it's said to be occasionally very painful, but I have to say after two aspirin and focussing my brain on relaxing as much as possible, I felt only very moderate discomfort. I found the u/s more uncomfortable - they identified I had a retroverted or tipped uterus, so I had to get a transvaginal scan (basically inserting what looked like a huge vibrator inside me, so it was more embarrassment and discomfort than anything else). The scans were all clear apart from highlighting my tipped uterus, which our Gynae Dr explained should not impact on my fertility.
After all the tests, our Gynae Dr diagnosed that we had 'unexplained infertility' and that we may still fall pregnant naturally. He placed us on the two year NHS waiting list for IVF....'Two years!!!!'...while it was good to move forward, two years still seems like a lifetime. I learned that there's still a bit of a postcode lottery for IVF in the UK and, because Edinburgh has one of the best IVF centres, the wait where we are is a little longer than elsewhere. However, we should be grateful, as it was once a three year wait before they added additional eligibility criteria (you can't get IVF on the NHS if you smoke or if you're above a particular weight). While in one sense we were moving forward, in another way it felt like the pause button had been pressed. Other than hoping that mother nature would finally notice us and grant us our wish, it seemed there was nothing more we could do. The conditions for getting NHS on IVF also prevents us going privately without fear of losing some of our NHS attempts (You get two IVF cycles with the NHS. For each NHS cycle, they give you a free frozen embie attempt, but for every private treatment you lose one NHS cycle, so essentially two attempts...I'm not feeling I can take the chance to lose!).
This is when it particularly started to take it's toll mentally. I'd been working at the place I was at for quite some time and there were a number of ladies all about the same stage in life. It seemed like it was a factory for pregnancies, but somehow I was the defective colleague. I found myself having to pick up work for other more lucky ladies and while I was delighted for them, this made my own situation seem ten times worse! Although I loved my job and the people I worked with, the repetition of work cycles seemed to reinforce this situation and was getting me down. I became less tolerant of difficult work situations and sought some support from a life coach.
After one session with my life coach I felt much better and it really helped me begin to focus on what the real issue was. I no longer wanted to be the person standing still, while others zoomed around me like the effect you get from time lapse photography. I took stock and thought: "If I wasn't still trying for a baby what would I be doing?" I had to face it could be a long time before I become a mum, and possibly it might never happen. I realised I needed to move my life on...
I began looking at ideal next career moves. Ultimately I'd like to run my own business, but felt that was one step too far at that point. I decided to take the next step up the career ladder and the first job I spotted was with a good cause I really believed in... From there everything moved so quickly and within a week I was offered the job. The buzz I felt made me realise that a change and new challenge was just what I needed!
The challenge has been great and has helped me get to a better place mentally as I'd
hoped. However it has also reinforced that my priority in life should be starting a family. For most of my adult life, I've always put my employers first - I'm a very loyal employee and beat myself up to achieve the best I can for any employer.
My lifecoach encouraged me to consider what was worth my energy and worries - "Me the manager, or me the mum." The path that fate has presented me so far, has helped me clearly decided it's "me the mum" that is most important right now...time to put my future family first.
I've discovered a system that will help me keep moving forward on that goal...DuoFertility. A review in the Daily Telegraph indicated that the monitor is "as effective as IVF." And for
people like me, they offer a "get pregnant in 12 months or your money back" deal (with basic T&Cs). I have now registered with them and backdated my charts. I have applied the sensor under my arm, which you're meant to keep attached all day every day. I was initially concerned this would be uncomfortable...but I can barely feel it. The sensor will record my temperatures throughout the day and will eventually give me an indication of when I will ovulate each month. Reviews indicate that, as it is recording temperatures so frequently, it can give you a better indication than any other ovulation test of when you're most fertile. The associated package allows me to chart all my symptoms and any other relevant information. It then relays this to DuoFertility HQ, where advisors are on hand to give me support for the next 12 months.
I will look to update this blog at least once a week to chart my DuoFertility journey, but for now I am content that I am another day closer to being a mum.
Wishing all those struggling with infertility great success in 2012!
As my not-so lovely Aunt(ie) Flo has announced her imminent arrival, my thoughts turn to the next steps I need to take on the fertility ladder.
I've been for all the preliminary tests that I need via my GP and the next step is for my husband to go to get his swimmers tested. My GP is all set to refer me to a fertility specialist, but has said she can't do so until my husband gets his sperm mobility tested, but he's stalling just saying that we will fall pregnant eventually. He's very blase about it all, but I think he's in denial (we have been trying for around 2 years now!). I know that he sees it as a slight on his manlyhood. From what I gather, this is common male reaction, as comedian Jason Manford nicely illustrates in his sketch:
So I've started thinking about all the men he might admire who have faced infertility issues: Gavin from BBC's Gavin and Stacey and...well... After that I realised that not many male celebrities have actually confessed they have their own infertility issues (other than characters on TV programmes and films). I even did a Google search to see what names I could find.
Is there something written into the male code of practice that if you admit you might be infertile, you're less of a man!? If so, why? This really is contradictory behaviour, as surely it's the man who is brave enough to address his infertility that's the real man? Like the gorgeous Hugh Jackman, although I don't think it was ever revealed where he and his wife's infertility issues were.
We need more celebrity males going public on sperm mobility issues etc to show others that it is nothing to be ashamed of! If they did this hopefully gradually the wider male community begin to realise this is not a slight on them and that actually it is a common occurrence, which in some occasions can be remedied!
Whatever you think of them, all these famous women have really helped to prove that infertility is not a slight on femininity and give us the power to do whatever it takes to be a mum:
Celine Dion, Alexis Stewart, Nancy Sorrell, Courtney Cox-Arquette, Christine Brinkley, Helena Bonham Carter, Marcia Cross, Melanie Griffith, Alex Kingston, Jane Seymour, Brenda Strong, Emma Thompson, Trinny Woodhall, Brooke Shields...
We just need more male celebrities to do the same...
In fact, if anyone is aware of any examples of more infertile celebrity males please do share details.
