The only way is ICSI

It has been a while since my last blog post. I've been very busy with work and difficult to find the time to post. However, I'm resolved to get a better work life balance as we head into the next stage of our fertility journey...

Since my last post we have been going through the final IVF checks. We've met a mix of Drs and nurses along the way. We only one bad experience, where the Dr was lacking any people skills and was incredibly patronising. She demeaned us and one of her own colleagues (also a Dr). When I told her I was taking vitamin D,  she was scathing and snapped back: "what are you taking that for?" I explained that I had started taking it following the advice of one of her colleagues and she said "hmmm well, each to their own." I should add that we just took it all on the chin, as after all we're dependent on these people to help us achieve our miracle. Later, with her nose turned up she added: "You do realise that because you're getting treatment through the NHS we can't guarantee you'll have the same Drs each time." It could have been hubby and I's interpretation and she perhaps didn't mean it, but both of us thought independently. "As long as we don't get you again."

Interestingly on that visit they wrongly labelled my blood sample for AMH, so they had to do it again. I guess none of us a perfect.

As I said this has been an exception rather than a rule - All the other Drs and nurses have been lovely. Very supportive, attentive and sympathetic. Particularly the lovely team who gave me my scan and mock transfer - I will avoid too much information, but for this internal scan and transfer Aunt Flo is still visiting, so you do feel your dignity stripped away a little more than usual. However, throughout the process the Dr and nurse continually offered reassurance and support.

So what did we learn from these last checks? Well, hubby's little swimmers sadly have low motility. So the diagnosis at that point was that we would be given the ICSI treatment (where they give the sperm a better chance by injecting individual swimmers straight into eggs).

When we finally got the results of my AMH test, we learned that I have a low egg reserve. This is when we were pretty much told that The Only Way is ICSI. With our issues combined, we have very low odds of conceiving naturally. Hubby and I were able to laugh about it all: Really will need to evoke the spirit of Rocky (who my husband loves) so that we can triumph over adversity. For those of you who know the films, I instantly pictured us in the winter training scene for Rocky IV (see below)...

Again the Dr explaining the issues to us, was really reassuring and said, but it only needs one strong embryo to succeed. This truly will be our little miracle! If we have a little boy, hubby thinks we should name it Rocky or Sly...Hmmmm!

I only wish I'd had an AMH test before buying DuoFertility, but hey ho, it's worth trying everything we can to start our family. Will need to see if I can give the monitor to someone who can truly benefit from it.

So what's next? Tomorrow I begin the Buserelin injections. Very nervous about taking the injections myself, but the nurse did give me a good demonstration. I think it will be easier once I've got the first one out the way. I've also Googled and have found some lovely fellow infertiles who give top tips on YouTube. The Buserelin will stop my hormone production in around two to three weeks - Apparently the side effects can be like a mini-menopause. After that treatment, I will receive more drugs to stimulate my follicles into producing eggs again. Once I have enough follicles, I will need to go into hospital for a wee sedated operation to remove the eggs. Finally, egg transfer should happen within a month or so of the first injection.

Each woman responds to the drugs in different ways, so it is difficult to get exact times of when I will need time off work. With this in mind, and with some encouragement from my Tweeps, I decided to tell my manager. I was very nervous about telling her, but she has been so supportive from the start. I would really recommend doing this, as it takes away an unnecessary stress - especially when Buserelin could have some visible side effects.

So here's to the next stage in my journey to become a mum. Excited, nervous and ready for the fight: Cue alternative Eye of the Tiger sing-a-long (alternative lyrics below):

Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance
Now I'm back on my feet
Just a woman with a will to be a mum

So many times, it happens too fast
You trade your passion for glory
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive

[Chorus]

It's the eye of the tiger
It's the thrill of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge
Of our rival
And the last known survivor
Stalks her prey in the night
And she's watching us all
with the
Eye of the tiger

Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry
They stack the odds
Still we take to the street
For the embie with the skill to survive

[Chorus]

Risin' up straight to the top
Had the guts, got the glory
Went the distance
Now I'm not gonna stop
Just a woman with a will to be a mum

[Chorus]

The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger 

[Original song by Survivor. Lyrics changed to give infertile women the will to be a mum!]

My relative silence explained...a reflection on our fertility journey so far

Happy New Year!

Apologies at the length of time between my last post and this one. For a long time, I found it difficult to spend the time needed to write a blog. Dwelling on the issue just upset me too much. I did continue to Tweet, but even that made me ruminate on the issues and the fact that we still hadn't conceived.

To cut a long story short, since my last post, DH went for the tests. One sample suggested his little swimmers had some slight mobility issues, but the Dr said nothing to worry about, as the second sample was OK. The Drs' tips were as expected, to focus on a healthy diet and lifestyle. Particularly to cut back on the occasional binge drinking with friends... Apparently just one session can affect sperm mobility for up to two months.

I then was referred for an ultrasound (u/s) and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...basically a scan of the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries using a dye to highlight if there's anything blocking the flow of fluids. HSG is often feared by women as it's said to be occasionally very painful, but I have to say after two aspirin and focussing my brain on relaxing as much as possible, I felt only very moderate discomfort. I found the u/s more uncomfortable - they identified I had a retroverted or tipped uterus, so I had to get a transvaginal scan (basically inserting what looked like a huge vibrator inside me, so it was more embarrassment and discomfort than anything else). The scans were all clear apart from highlighting my tipped uterus, which our Gynae Dr explained should not impact on my fertility.

After all the tests, our Gynae Dr diagnosed that we had 'unexplained infertility' and that we may still fall pregnant naturally. He placed us on the two year NHS waiting list for IVF....'Two years!!!!'...while it was good to move forward, two years still seems like a lifetime. I learned that there's still a bit of a postcode lottery for IVF in the UK and, because Edinburgh has one of the best IVF centres, the wait where we are is a little longer than elsewhere. However, we should be grateful, as it was once a three year wait before they added additional eligibility criteria (you can't get IVF on the NHS if you smoke or if you're above a particular weight). While in one sense we were moving forward, in another way it felt like the pause button had been pressed. Other than hoping that mother nature would finally notice us and grant us our wish, it seemed there was nothing more we could do. The conditions for getting NHS on IVF also prevents us going privately without fear of losing some of our NHS attempts (You get two IVF cycles with the NHS. For each NHS cycle, they give you a free frozen embie attempt, but for every private treatment you lose one NHS cycle, so essentially two attempts...I'm not feeling I can take the chance to lose!).

This is when it particularly started to take it's toll mentally. I'd been working at the place I was at for quite some time and there were a number of ladies all about the same stage in life. It seemed like it was a factory for pregnancies, but somehow I was the defective colleague. I found myself having to pick up work for other more lucky ladies and while I was delighted for them, this made my own situation seem ten times worse! Although I loved my job and the people I worked with, the repetition of work cycles seemed to reinforce this situation and was getting me down. I became less tolerant of difficult work situations and sought some support from a life coach.

After one session with my life coach I felt much better and it really helped me begin to focus on what the real issue was. I no longer wanted to be the person standing still, while others zoomed around me like the effect you get from time lapse photography. I took stock and thought: "If I wasn't still trying for a baby what would I be doing?" I had to face it could be a long time before I become a mum, and possibly it might never happen. I realised I needed to move my life on...

I began looking at ideal next career moves. Ultimately I'd like to run my own business, but felt that was one step too far at that point. I decided to take the next step up the career ladder and the first job I spotted was with a good cause I really believed in... From there everything moved so quickly and within a week I was offered the job. The buzz I felt made me realise that a change and new challenge was just what I needed!

The challenge has been great and has helped me get to a better place mentally as I'd

hoped. However it has also reinforced that my priority in life should be starting a family. For most of my adult life, I've always put my employers first - I'm a very loyal employee and beat myself up to achieve the best I can for any employer.

My lifecoach encouraged me to consider what was worth my energy and worries - "Me the manager, or me the mum." The path that fate has presented me so far, has helped me clearly decided it's "me the mum" that is most important right now...time to put my future family first.

I've discovered a system that will help me keep moving forward on that goal...DuoFertility. A review in the Daily Telegraph indicated that the monitor is "as effective as IVF." And for

people like me, they offer a "get pregnant in 12 months or your money back" deal (with basic T&Cs). I have now registered with them and backdated my charts. I have applied the sensor under my arm, which you're meant to keep attached all day every day. I was initially concerned this would be uncomfortable...but I can barely feel it. The sensor will record my temperatures throughout the day and will eventually give me an indication of when I will ovulate each month. Reviews indicate that, as it is recording temperatures so frequently, it can give you a better indication than any other ovulation test of when you're most fertile. The associated package allows me to chart all my symptoms and any other relevant information. It then relays this to DuoFertility HQ, where advisors are on hand to give me support for the next 12 months.

I will look to update this blog at least once a week to chart my DuoFertility journey, but for now I am content that I am another day closer to being a mum.

Wishing all those struggling with infertility great success in 2012!