Round one IVF - from my lowest ebb came a life affirming experience

So it has been a year since my last post. Sorry it's taken so long. It has been a wonderfully life-affirming journey and that length of time has given me a lot of time to reflect. I now have the most beautiful baby boy and I am treasuring every moment in honour of the person I was when I started this blog and all those ladies who are at the same point in their journey to being a mum (just remember every day you are one step closer to being a mum - definitely the mantra that kept me going).

To complete the journey I will start where I left off. After round one of ICSI we had four follies, so we went for egg collection - a nerve-wracking yet exciting journey. While we were disappointed not to get more follies, we had been prepared for that and we just kept our fingers crossed that within these follies were some strong eggs.

To add a little drama to the experience, and as if to test our endurance, we were told to keep the HCG trigger shot in the fridge or risk it failing...The day before we received the shot on a warm August our fridge broke down. We couldn't take the risk of storing it in the fridge even when we got up and running, so we dashed out and bought one of those cheap novelty fridges to keep the shot at the right temperature. It worked.

I started to follow every instruction for the injection to the T. I then had a mild panic when I saw an air bubble and couldn't get it out (and we had to do the injection within a specific time frame or the whole process would fail), but after calling the number we were given, I was reassured it was OK just to go ahead. Perspiring a little, the injection was done - a wave of excitement and nervous anticipation flowed through my body. Round one really did seem like a action adventure with lots of nerves and an immense hope that this would be the one. However, I did my best to get a good night's sleep.

So we arrived at the EFREC clinic at the time given. We were welcomed by the lovely chap at reception who always makes sure he speaks to you by your name - so welcoming. Sitting in the waiting room with other couples who too looked filled with nerves and excitement. One by one we were called into the ward. The lovely nurses on the ward excelled at making us feel calm and were so sympathetic about our journey. I was to be first in for the egg collection. I'm even getting the butterflies just remembering the experience of knowing that any second I would be wheeled into the operating theatre - would I have eggs, when would I know?! Four follies wasn't a lot in the scheme of things - but nothing more I could do now.

My hubby stayed with me until they took me in. The operating theatre was pristine. Just to double check they had the right person they all asked me to repeat my name and my date of birth numerous times, so they could check with their records and labels. I was so nervous I would get it wrong on one of the occasions - I did find myself giggling a little. Happy that I was the right patient, after various checks, I was then given the anaesthesia and quickly went to sleep.

The next thing I knew, I could hear a rhythmical bleeping. A lady with a calm reassuring voice (I later realised it was the nurse assigned to me) was speaking - I can't recall what she was saying, but I remember thinking "I've only just gone in, they obviously didn't get any eggs. Something's wrong." Of course I was wrong - they had collected three eggs and they were off to have my hubby's sperm injected into them.

As I came to, the nurse continued to make me feel very cared for. Eventually I was allowed a little to eat. I just remember thinking I had never enjoyed a Digestive biscuit so much in my life!! Once they were happy I'd recovered enough from the anaesthetic they allowed my hubby to come and collect me. I was groggy and cramping a little (though that wasn't too bad for me as I'd had so few follies). I went straight to my own bed and then began the wait.

The next day I called to find out how my little embies (embryos) were getting on. Only one had taken. Although a little disappointed, I was cheered on by my lovely tweeps - "All it takes is one". Although my first round wasn't a success, anyone reading this should take hope from the many success stories there are from those who only had one embie.

As there was only one, they quickly got me back in to transfer the embie back in. I arrived in the same waiting room (this time accompanied by my mum). I had the same sense of nervous anticipation, but the same high standards of care from the staff at the clinic. After changing into my nightie, I was taken to another pristine room. And although, as with birth, dignity had to go out the window to complete the process, the team were wonderful at making me feel as comfortable as possible. I was shown my embie on a wee TV screen - absolutely amazing and something as IVFers we are blessed to have the chance to see. I was told it was the best quality embryo for the stage it was at, so a little burst of hope flashed through me. I could see on the screen as they inserted the embie in and they gave me a scan to take away - the egg was too small to see on this, but you could see the gel in which the egg was sitting.

What then happened at work deserves a blog unto itself, but the long and short of it was I went straight back to work as the demands upon me as a manager delivering some change management were immense. It was a very stressful time at work, compounded by some long term staff absences - I was doing three jobs all at once and trying to meet all demands. I had a holiday booked in so that if IVF failed I would be able to commiserate in private and if it was successful, we could have a personal celebration without the need to make our news public. However, my own director also took a holiday just prior to mine, leaving no time for a proper handover. That is an abbreviated version - but needless to say a stressful time never mind the IVF. I even considered cancelling my holiday, but I had some lovely supportive colleagues amidst the pressure (to whom I am immensely grateful) and they encouraged me to take the holiday.

My break began and almost immediately came the devastating realisation that IVF round one hadn't worked. My aunt flo arrived early. I remember it well as I was on a night out at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, abstaining from booze. My tweeps again were wonderful, reassuring me that bleeding wasn't necessarily a sign of failure (and anyone reading this, please do take this as a sign of hope - as there absolutely are success stories who experienced implantation bleeding). However, it wasn't the case for me and the test at the clinic confirmed this. Again I cannot praise the staff at EFREC enough for how sympathetic they were and the support they provided following failure. I will be forever grateful for this. And the positive thing about the bleed starting sooner, was that I was prepared for it and had cried most of my tears before they delivered the official results.

After this, hubby and I went away for a week with my niece and her parents. A lovely week, but every part of me ached. My shoulders ached from work pressures, my heart and my eyes ached for my lost embie. My life compass didn't know what direction to send me in, but I didn't even think about making a call on that there and then.

I returned to work and discovering the same pressures (plus a couple more) were still there and a couple of incidents led me to realise that they would never leave me while I was in that job. Again I will not go into the details here, but needless to say as someone who was renowned for being cheery, happy, calm and driving to excel in my work, I was at my lowest ebb never mind the IVF. I began to doubt my work self...then the theme tune to my life became Emeli Sande My Kind of Love:

"Cause when you've given up

When no matter what you do it's never good enough

When you never thought that this could ever get this tough

That's where you'll find my kind of love."

Friends, family, mentors, as well as current and previous colleagues rallied. I have never felt so loved. I didn't even have to say much, but they knew I wasn't myself - some had witnessed the way a colleague had spoken to me and were horrified, others just simply knew me so well. They all told me to get out of the current work situation and set up my own business. They said that I am known for doing a good job and would find clients easily. They kept telling me this and eventually I was reminded it was the truth. I booked in some acupuncture and, as I lay with the needles in me, I had a wave of excitement "I can do this!" I checked my financial situation and was lucky enough to have some supportive parents who said that they would give me a loan if it was needed to get going - it wasn't, but it did give me reassurance. The final push was the realisation that I had to consider what was most important to me in life - either the job I was in or to give myself the best chance of success for round two and just leave. It was a hard decision, as I loved what the company stood for, but this was our last chance, as hubby wasn't keen to see me put myself through failure too many times again. For the first time I  also realised that I wouldn't be any use to anyone unless I put myself first on this one occasion. It is the best thing I have ever done - as soon as I handed in my notice, for the first time in my entire life, I realised that the expression "lifting a weight of your shoulders" was literal. I felt so much lighter, I almost felt I was floating. My director told me they were sorry I was going, as I had done a great job, but they said they understood and wished me luck. So I left on a positive note.

I began round 2 of IVF just before leaving, but I will continue that story in another post.

My business has been a great success so far (touch wood it lasts) and has finally given me a work/life balance. I now truly believe things happen for a reason. I am not religious, but I do now feel very blessed. As well as my miracle, I have so many wonderful friends (including Tweeps) and family members to be grateful for. I just hope I can be there for them all as they have been for me (sadly I've had to do that for some of my former colleagues recently - reaffirming it was the right move, despite giving up a generous maternity leave).

I would not have had this experience had I not required the IVF/ICSI journey - so I have more than just a beautiful boy to be thankful to this miracle treatment for. Thank you to all who have helped me along.

IVF/ICSI Treatment - Part Two: Follicle Stimulation and Menopur

Apologies, I haven't blogged for so long. I typed the post below ages ago then went into my own little bubble, which led to ultimately a very positive life affirming experience...

I will start to update the blog stage by stage as I remember it, so that it provides support and hope to others...Fast forward and you will find ICSI round two was a success. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant....However let's rewind to the continuation of ICSI round one and the follicle stimulation process...

So the next stage was to grow some strong follicles. Given my low AMH, we couldn't hold out for too many, but we just had to hope that those that did grow were strong enough!

After scan to see if Buserelin had worked, the nurse took me into another room to do the first stimulation injection.

I was given the Menopur pack, which had little viles of a powdery substance and lots of little ampules of water. For each injection I had to mix three powders with one water.

The nurse demonstrated how to do the injection:

• first she flicked the ampule to make sure all the water was in the base and then snapped off the top off (placing finger at blue dot). 
• She said sometimes it is difficult to take the top of the ampule without breaking it into little pieces of glass - but she said if this happens, there are plenty of ampules, so just use another.  
• She used the needle to pull up the water. She then put the needle in the first powder and told me to make sure that you see all the powder is dissolved.  
• She then pulled up the new liquid and explained that there can be a bit of a vacuum in the little jars which can make it tough to pull the liquid. 
• She did the same again with jar two, saying "try and get all the liquid up" (which later I found you don't need to worry too much about). 
• She left me to do the third, and though a bit of a challenge. Somehow I managed it. 
• Then the process of injection, was very much the same as the Buserelin...make sure no large air bubbles and squeeze liquid up so a tiny little drop appears on top of needle, then place in belly and inject...Easy?!

Warning, do not follow the next para as an example of how it should be done (that comes later): Well the next day I got up 30 minutes earlier than normal to give myself the injection. I thought that would be plenty of time...but I then found the process very stressful and started to panic as I knew a friend was coming to pick me up to take me to work. Firstly, I struggled to break off the top of the ampule. I manage to get some very small cuts (smaller than paper cuts) between my finger and thumb. I then tried to use paper towel in between and was of course shaking. Then I put needle in the first powder (still shaking)...and "wow, I didn't remember the vacuum being this tough yesterday". Struggled through powders one and two. Gulp. Took several deep breaths and tried to put needle in third jar. Vacuum kicked in before needle was fully in and the liquid went everywhere but in the jar! Arrrgghhh! Had to do it all over again - nerves shattered and clock ticking. I did it, but felt like I'd still lost some of the liquid - but had to get to work.

And then I did the thing I should have done all along, I Tweeted and a lovely Tweep came to my rescue: @earnestsmummy - she gave me Top Tip Number 1:

A simple way to reduce strength of vacuum:

• Follow process of pulling liquid from ampule into syringe
• Place liquid in water
• Pull empty needle out
• Pull air into syringe
• Put needle back in jar and insert air into jar
• With finger still pressed so no air sooked back into syringe, pull out
• I repeated this process two or three times and discovered that the vacuum was next to none, so was much easier to pull the liquid out.

After doing this for the first time, it was like a completely different process. However it still felt like I didn't sook all the liquid up.  I thought nurse had said I should really make sure I get it all, so I called the clinic. As they have been so many times before and since, they were really lovely and helpful - they reassured me that it was difficult to get all liquid and not to worry if it was only very little - phew!

So after this it became easier and easier.

After the Stims process in round one, I had 4 visible follicles, so egg collection went ahead...

My relative silence explained...a reflection on our fertility journey so far

Happy New Year!

Apologies at the length of time between my last post and this one. For a long time, I found it difficult to spend the time needed to write a blog. Dwelling on the issue just upset me too much. I did continue to Tweet, but even that made me ruminate on the issues and the fact that we still hadn't conceived.

To cut a long story short, since my last post, DH went for the tests. One sample suggested his little swimmers had some slight mobility issues, but the Dr said nothing to worry about, as the second sample was OK. The Drs' tips were as expected, to focus on a healthy diet and lifestyle. Particularly to cut back on the occasional binge drinking with friends... Apparently just one session can affect sperm mobility for up to two months.

I then was referred for an ultrasound (u/s) and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...basically a scan of the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries using a dye to highlight if there's anything blocking the flow of fluids. HSG is often feared by women as it's said to be occasionally very painful, but I have to say after two aspirin and focussing my brain on relaxing as much as possible, I felt only very moderate discomfort. I found the u/s more uncomfortable - they identified I had a retroverted or tipped uterus, so I had to get a transvaginal scan (basically inserting what looked like a huge vibrator inside me, so it was more embarrassment and discomfort than anything else). The scans were all clear apart from highlighting my tipped uterus, which our Gynae Dr explained should not impact on my fertility.

After all the tests, our Gynae Dr diagnosed that we had 'unexplained infertility' and that we may still fall pregnant naturally. He placed us on the two year NHS waiting list for IVF....'Two years!!!!'...while it was good to move forward, two years still seems like a lifetime. I learned that there's still a bit of a postcode lottery for IVF in the UK and, because Edinburgh has one of the best IVF centres, the wait where we are is a little longer than elsewhere. However, we should be grateful, as it was once a three year wait before they added additional eligibility criteria (you can't get IVF on the NHS if you smoke or if you're above a particular weight). While in one sense we were moving forward, in another way it felt like the pause button had been pressed. Other than hoping that mother nature would finally notice us and grant us our wish, it seemed there was nothing more we could do. The conditions for getting NHS on IVF also prevents us going privately without fear of losing some of our NHS attempts (You get two IVF cycles with the NHS. For each NHS cycle, they give you a free frozen embie attempt, but for every private treatment you lose one NHS cycle, so essentially two attempts...I'm not feeling I can take the chance to lose!).

This is when it particularly started to take it's toll mentally. I'd been working at the place I was at for quite some time and there were a number of ladies all about the same stage in life. It seemed like it was a factory for pregnancies, but somehow I was the defective colleague. I found myself having to pick up work for other more lucky ladies and while I was delighted for them, this made my own situation seem ten times worse! Although I loved my job and the people I worked with, the repetition of work cycles seemed to reinforce this situation and was getting me down. I became less tolerant of difficult work situations and sought some support from a life coach.

After one session with my life coach I felt much better and it really helped me begin to focus on what the real issue was. I no longer wanted to be the person standing still, while others zoomed around me like the effect you get from time lapse photography. I took stock and thought: "If I wasn't still trying for a baby what would I be doing?" I had to face it could be a long time before I become a mum, and possibly it might never happen. I realised I needed to move my life on...

I began looking at ideal next career moves. Ultimately I'd like to run my own business, but felt that was one step too far at that point. I decided to take the next step up the career ladder and the first job I spotted was with a good cause I really believed in... From there everything moved so quickly and within a week I was offered the job. The buzz I felt made me realise that a change and new challenge was just what I needed!

The challenge has been great and has helped me get to a better place mentally as I'd

hoped. However it has also reinforced that my priority in life should be starting a family. For most of my adult life, I've always put my employers first - I'm a very loyal employee and beat myself up to achieve the best I can for any employer.

My lifecoach encouraged me to consider what was worth my energy and worries - "Me the manager, or me the mum." The path that fate has presented me so far, has helped me clearly decided it's "me the mum" that is most important right now...time to put my future family first.

I've discovered a system that will help me keep moving forward on that goal...DuoFertility. A review in the Daily Telegraph indicated that the monitor is "as effective as IVF." And for

people like me, they offer a "get pregnant in 12 months or your money back" deal (with basic T&Cs). I have now registered with them and backdated my charts. I have applied the sensor under my arm, which you're meant to keep attached all day every day. I was initially concerned this would be uncomfortable...but I can barely feel it. The sensor will record my temperatures throughout the day and will eventually give me an indication of when I will ovulate each month. Reviews indicate that, as it is recording temperatures so frequently, it can give you a better indication than any other ovulation test of when you're most fertile. The associated package allows me to chart all my symptoms and any other relevant information. It then relays this to DuoFertility HQ, where advisors are on hand to give me support for the next 12 months.

I will look to update this blog at least once a week to chart my DuoFertility journey, but for now I am content that I am another day closer to being a mum.

Wishing all those struggling with infertility great success in 2012!