Apologies at the length of time between my last post and this one. For a long time, I found it difficult to spend the time needed to write a blog. Dwelling on the issue just upset me too much. I did continue to Tweet, but even that made me ruminate on the issues and the fact that we still hadn't conceived.
To cut a long story short, since my last post, DH went for the tests. One sample suggested his little swimmers had some slight mobility issues, but the Dr said nothing to worry about, as the second sample was OK. The Drs' tips were as expected, to focus on a healthy diet and lifestyle. Particularly to cut back on the occasional binge drinking with friends... Apparently just one session can affect sperm mobility for up to two months.
I then was referred for an ultrasound (u/s) and Hysterosalpingogram (HSG)...basically a scan of the uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries using a dye to highlight if there's anything blocking the flow of fluids. HSG is often feared by women as it's said to be occasionally very painful, but I have to say after two aspirin and focussing my brain on relaxing as much as possible, I felt only very moderate discomfort. I found the u/s more uncomfortable - they identified I had a retroverted or tipped uterus, so I had to get a transvaginal scan (basically inserting what looked like a huge vibrator inside me, so it was more embarrassment and discomfort than anything else). The scans were all clear apart from highlighting my tipped uterus, which our Gynae Dr explained should not impact on my fertility.
After all the tests, our Gynae Dr diagnosed that we had 'unexplained infertility' and that we may still fall pregnant naturally. He placed us on the two year NHS waiting list for IVF....'Two years!!!!'...while it was good to move forward, two years still seems like a lifetime. I learned that there's still a bit of a postcode lottery for IVF in the UK and, because Edinburgh has one of the best IVF centres, the wait where we are is a little longer than elsewhere. However, we should be grateful, as it was once a three year wait before they added additional eligibility criteria (you can't get IVF on the NHS if you smoke or if you're above a particular weight). While in one sense we were moving forward, in another way it felt like the pause button had been pressed. Other than hoping that mother nature would finally notice us and grant us our wish, it seemed there was nothing more we could do. The conditions for getting NHS on IVF also prevents us going privately without fear of losing some of our NHS attempts (You get two IVF cycles with the NHS. For each NHS cycle, they give you a free frozen embie attempt, but for every private treatment you lose one NHS cycle, so essentially two attempts...I'm not feeling I can take the chance to lose!).
This is when it particularly started to take it's toll mentally. I'd been working at the place I was at for quite some time and there were a number of ladies all about the same stage in life. It seemed like it was a factory for pregnancies, but somehow I was the defective colleague. I found myself having to pick up work for other more lucky ladies and while I was delighted for them, this made my own situation seem ten times worse! Although I loved my job and the people I worked with, the repetition of work cycles seemed to reinforce this situation and was getting me down. I became less tolerant of difficult work situations and sought some support from a life coach.
After one session with my life coach I felt much better and it really helped me begin to focus on what the real issue was. I no longer wanted to be the person standing still, while others zoomed around me like the effect you get from time lapse photography. I took stock and thought: "If I wasn't still trying for a baby what would I be doing?" I had to face it could be a long time before I become a mum, and possibly it might never happen. I realised I needed to move my life on...
I began looking at ideal next career moves. Ultimately I'd like to run my own business, but felt that was one step too far at that point. I decided to take the next step up the career ladder and the first job I spotted was with a good cause I really believed in... From there everything moved so quickly and within a week I was offered the job. The buzz I felt made me realise that a change and new challenge was just what I needed!
The challenge has been great and has helped me get to a better place mentally as I'd
hoped. However it has also reinforced that my priority in life should be starting a family. For most of my adult life, I've always put my employers first - I'm a very loyal employee and beat myself up to achieve the best I can for any employer.
My lifecoach encouraged me to consider what was worth my energy and worries - "Me the manager, or me the mum." The path that fate has presented me so far, has helped me clearly decided it's "me the mum" that is most important right now...time to put my future family first.
I've discovered a system that will help me keep moving forward on that goal...DuoFertility. A review in the Daily Telegraph indicated that the monitor is "as effective as IVF." And for
people like me, they offer a "get pregnant in 12 months or your money back" deal (with basic T&Cs). I have now registered with them and backdated my charts. I have applied the sensor under my arm, which you're meant to keep attached all day every day. I was initially concerned this would be uncomfortable...but I can barely feel it. The sensor will record my temperatures throughout the day and will eventually give me an indication of when I will ovulate each month. Reviews indicate that, as it is recording temperatures so frequently, it can give you a better indication than any other ovulation test of when you're most fertile. The associated package allows me to chart all my symptoms and any other relevant information. It then relays this to DuoFertility HQ, where advisors are on hand to give me support for the next 12 months.
I will look to update this blog at least once a week to chart my DuoFertility journey, but for now I am content that I am another day closer to being a mum.
Wishing all those struggling with infertility great success in 2012!
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