Round one IVF - from my lowest ebb came a life affirming experience

So it has been a year since my last post. Sorry it's taken so long. It has been a wonderfully life-affirming journey and that length of time has given me a lot of time to reflect. I now have the most beautiful baby boy and I am treasuring every moment in honour of the person I was when I started this blog and all those ladies who are at the same point in their journey to being a mum (just remember every day you are one step closer to being a mum - definitely the mantra that kept me going).

To complete the journey I will start where I left off. After round one of ICSI we had four follies, so we went for egg collection - a nerve-wracking yet exciting journey. While we were disappointed not to get more follies, we had been prepared for that and we just kept our fingers crossed that within these follies were some strong eggs.

To add a little drama to the experience, and as if to test our endurance, we were told to keep the HCG trigger shot in the fridge or risk it failing...The day before we received the shot on a warm August our fridge broke down. We couldn't take the risk of storing it in the fridge even when we got up and running, so we dashed out and bought one of those cheap novelty fridges to keep the shot at the right temperature. It worked.

I started to follow every instruction for the injection to the T. I then had a mild panic when I saw an air bubble and couldn't get it out (and we had to do the injection within a specific time frame or the whole process would fail), but after calling the number we were given, I was reassured it was OK just to go ahead. Perspiring a little, the injection was done - a wave of excitement and nervous anticipation flowed through my body. Round one really did seem like a action adventure with lots of nerves and an immense hope that this would be the one. However, I did my best to get a good night's sleep.

So we arrived at the EFREC clinic at the time given. We were welcomed by the lovely chap at reception who always makes sure he speaks to you by your name - so welcoming. Sitting in the waiting room with other couples who too looked filled with nerves and excitement. One by one we were called into the ward. The lovely nurses on the ward excelled at making us feel calm and were so sympathetic about our journey. I was to be first in for the egg collection. I'm even getting the butterflies just remembering the experience of knowing that any second I would be wheeled into the operating theatre - would I have eggs, when would I know?! Four follies wasn't a lot in the scheme of things - but nothing more I could do now.

My hubby stayed with me until they took me in. The operating theatre was pristine. Just to double check they had the right person they all asked me to repeat my name and my date of birth numerous times, so they could check with their records and labels. I was so nervous I would get it wrong on one of the occasions - I did find myself giggling a little. Happy that I was the right patient, after various checks, I was then given the anaesthesia and quickly went to sleep.

The next thing I knew, I could hear a rhythmical bleeping. A lady with a calm reassuring voice (I later realised it was the nurse assigned to me) was speaking - I can't recall what she was saying, but I remember thinking "I've only just gone in, they obviously didn't get any eggs. Something's wrong." Of course I was wrong - they had collected three eggs and they were off to have my hubby's sperm injected into them.

As I came to, the nurse continued to make me feel very cared for. Eventually I was allowed a little to eat. I just remember thinking I had never enjoyed a Digestive biscuit so much in my life!! Once they were happy I'd recovered enough from the anaesthetic they allowed my hubby to come and collect me. I was groggy and cramping a little (though that wasn't too bad for me as I'd had so few follies). I went straight to my own bed and then began the wait.

The next day I called to find out how my little embies (embryos) were getting on. Only one had taken. Although a little disappointed, I was cheered on by my lovely tweeps - "All it takes is one". Although my first round wasn't a success, anyone reading this should take hope from the many success stories there are from those who only had one embie.

As there was only one, they quickly got me back in to transfer the embie back in. I arrived in the same waiting room (this time accompanied by my mum). I had the same sense of nervous anticipation, but the same high standards of care from the staff at the clinic. After changing into my nightie, I was taken to another pristine room. And although, as with birth, dignity had to go out the window to complete the process, the team were wonderful at making me feel as comfortable as possible. I was shown my embie on a wee TV screen - absolutely amazing and something as IVFers we are blessed to have the chance to see. I was told it was the best quality embryo for the stage it was at, so a little burst of hope flashed through me. I could see on the screen as they inserted the embie in and they gave me a scan to take away - the egg was too small to see on this, but you could see the gel in which the egg was sitting.

What then happened at work deserves a blog unto itself, but the long and short of it was I went straight back to work as the demands upon me as a manager delivering some change management were immense. It was a very stressful time at work, compounded by some long term staff absences - I was doing three jobs all at once and trying to meet all demands. I had a holiday booked in so that if IVF failed I would be able to commiserate in private and if it was successful, we could have a personal celebration without the need to make our news public. However, my own director also took a holiday just prior to mine, leaving no time for a proper handover. That is an abbreviated version - but needless to say a stressful time never mind the IVF. I even considered cancelling my holiday, but I had some lovely supportive colleagues amidst the pressure (to whom I am immensely grateful) and they encouraged me to take the holiday.

My break began and almost immediately came the devastating realisation that IVF round one hadn't worked. My aunt flo arrived early. I remember it well as I was on a night out at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, abstaining from booze. My tweeps again were wonderful, reassuring me that bleeding wasn't necessarily a sign of failure (and anyone reading this, please do take this as a sign of hope - as there absolutely are success stories who experienced implantation bleeding). However, it wasn't the case for me and the test at the clinic confirmed this. Again I cannot praise the staff at EFREC enough for how sympathetic they were and the support they provided following failure. I will be forever grateful for this. And the positive thing about the bleed starting sooner, was that I was prepared for it and had cried most of my tears before they delivered the official results.

After this, hubby and I went away for a week with my niece and her parents. A lovely week, but every part of me ached. My shoulders ached from work pressures, my heart and my eyes ached for my lost embie. My life compass didn't know what direction to send me in, but I didn't even think about making a call on that there and then.

I returned to work and discovering the same pressures (plus a couple more) were still there and a couple of incidents led me to realise that they would never leave me while I was in that job. Again I will not go into the details here, but needless to say as someone who was renowned for being cheery, happy, calm and driving to excel in my work, I was at my lowest ebb never mind the IVF. I began to doubt my work self...then the theme tune to my life became Emeli Sande My Kind of Love:

"Cause when you've given up

When no matter what you do it's never good enough

When you never thought that this could ever get this tough

That's where you'll find my kind of love."

Friends, family, mentors, as well as current and previous colleagues rallied. I have never felt so loved. I didn't even have to say much, but they knew I wasn't myself - some had witnessed the way a colleague had spoken to me and were horrified, others just simply knew me so well. They all told me to get out of the current work situation and set up my own business. They said that I am known for doing a good job and would find clients easily. They kept telling me this and eventually I was reminded it was the truth. I booked in some acupuncture and, as I lay with the needles in me, I had a wave of excitement "I can do this!" I checked my financial situation and was lucky enough to have some supportive parents who said that they would give me a loan if it was needed to get going - it wasn't, but it did give me reassurance. The final push was the realisation that I had to consider what was most important to me in life - either the job I was in or to give myself the best chance of success for round two and just leave. It was a hard decision, as I loved what the company stood for, but this was our last chance, as hubby wasn't keen to see me put myself through failure too many times again. For the first time I  also realised that I wouldn't be any use to anyone unless I put myself first on this one occasion. It is the best thing I have ever done - as soon as I handed in my notice, for the first time in my entire life, I realised that the expression "lifting a weight of your shoulders" was literal. I felt so much lighter, I almost felt I was floating. My director told me they were sorry I was going, as I had done a great job, but they said they understood and wished me luck. So I left on a positive note.

I began round 2 of IVF just before leaving, but I will continue that story in another post.

My business has been a great success so far (touch wood it lasts) and has finally given me a work/life balance. I now truly believe things happen for a reason. I am not religious, but I do now feel very blessed. As well as my miracle, I have so many wonderful friends (including Tweeps) and family members to be grateful for. I just hope I can be there for them all as they have been for me (sadly I've had to do that for some of my former colleagues recently - reaffirming it was the right move, despite giving up a generous maternity leave).

I would not have had this experience had I not required the IVF/ICSI journey - so I have more than just a beautiful boy to be thankful to this miracle treatment for. Thank you to all who have helped me along.